A confession

This is not a cry for help. This is a confession.

Gentleman. That’s what I call myself. That’s what I tell myself every single day. Why? Because to be really honest it is a lie I am forcing myself to live. Because I am not a gentleman. Because no one is. There is no such thing as a gentleman, we are just wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in denial. Every single time that I have to remind myself that I am supposed to be a gentleman, I fail myself. But then was there ever a chance of me being successful?

Men. We are the single most obnoxious and despicable species on this planet. We are not born that bad. But we are over time conditioned and programmed to fuck us up even more. On one hand we are made to believe in a false sense of self entitlement that puts us above women and on the other hand we are conditioned to believe even our basic instincts are a flaw and we must fix ourselves.

Before I go any further, I am not condoning the behaviour of other men. I am not making excuses for any one. I am talking about my own struggles with my biggest demon, myself.

First let me get this out of the way. Monogamy is bullshit. Let’s accept we aren’t monogamous by nature but have been programmed to believe otherwise. Do I want to be with one woman for the rest of my life? Yes, I do but I don’t judge anyone who doesn’t. Have I been successful in being with just one woman? Of course not. And thanks to it I have learnt and learnt to accept that we will love many people over our lifetime, sometimes many at the same time and it is okay. No need to feel guilty just because society told you to believe other wise. It is in your nature, don’t fight it (esp as it is not against the law yet).

Getting back to being a Gentleman thing. I am all the time telling people that I am gentleman and trying my best to behave like one. It’s like an obsession that stems from an upbringing that made it clear that if I didn’t respect women I would be a big disappointment for my parents. I don’t even compliment women or tell them that I like them because it might be unwarranted attention that might make them uncomfortable and that might be not very gentleman like behaviour. See how complex that is? Now imagine doing it every time you interact with a woman in any way. Even when it is just making eye contact with a stranger. “Oh shit, we made eye contact. If I look again I might come off as a creep. I shouldn’t have looked at her in the first place.” Sounds ridiculous? Or insane? Perhaps I am insane. Sometimes I do behave like any other asshole, I accept. But I do it when I absolutely have to and it’s when I need to keep people away.

Now imagine over thinking about everything. Weighing and over analysing every word and action trying to preempt their reaction. Doing this all day and then sitting in an auto gazing into the distance and suddenly spotting a nice pair of legs and lingering on them for a couple of seconds before realizing what you are doing. Sudden flood of shame and guilt as one half of you tells you that you are not better than the guy driving the auto who has been staring at her for much longer. You feel pathetic. The other half tells you to relax because it was just one of your basic instinct kicking in and it’s okay to let it be once in a while. But where do you draw the line? On one hand we have the feminists telling me that I am a potential rapist and partially guilty for every crime against women because I was born a man while on the other hand is me telling myself that it is normal and it is okay as long as I don’t trouble the women. This is why I try very very hard to ensure that women remain just friends and nothing more.

But I am not doing a great job of pretending to be a gentleman. Once in a while I do get asked out for a coffee, or a date, or even just for sex. I say no most of the times but not every time. Once in a while I give in. To my needs. To my wants. To my basic instincts. I have still managed to be in three relationships and of course fucked it up every time. I have slept with more women that I have dated and every one of the flings is a perpetual guilt. Do I regret being in a relationship? No, they are some of the best memories that I have and the greatest lessons I have learnt. Each one has made me a better man. But yes I do regret fucking it up and it only makes me realise my flaws. I feel horrible if I meet a woman and find her extremely attractive because I have been told that’s disgusting behaviour. But I don’t want to date every woman I find attractive, why is that wrong? I am sure most of them don’t want to date me either. How is this any different from calling women sluts just because they sleep around? It is very confusing.

Is it really that difficult to be a gentleman? Is it really that important to be one? I don’t even know what I am any more. I can blame the society all I want but in the end it’s I who has created this monster of sorts that is struggling with its identity. Or did my instincts rebel against the conditioning and made me be true to myself for a change. So who am I? A gentleman or the disgusting horrible creature called the man?

I just want to live. To breathe freely. To be able to think without all this noise and conflicts in my head. Less complications, less judgements, more happiness, more peace.

This battle will continue tomorrow. And for many many days after. But don’t pity me. There are many others just like me. Some doing a much better job and some not so much. Tell the feminists to go easy on them.

This is not a cry for help. This is a confession. I am not a gentleman.

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