Lost in Translation

So a bunch of researchers at Indiana University’s Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences got paid a few million dollars in grant to prove what I have been stating very subtly for an eternity. And here I shall state it again, MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND WOMEN. No, we just don’t. Accept it. And now we have proof!

According to one of the researchers, “Young men just find it difficult to tell the difference between women who are being friendly and women who are interested in something more”. Since I still consider myself as young and a man, I firmly believe I have been suffering from a similar problem since birth. Forget about friendly and more part, I had trouble with women in general. As a kid I never understood why my Mother kept getting mad at me or my Sister kept telling me not to bug her. At school it was never much of a problem as it was an All Boys high school and the few female teachers there hated all us boys in general, but the worst part was when a lady teacher threw me out of the English class for two full years for correcting her translation of Hamlet.

So I survived home and school and the brief little encounters I had with girls here and there, but was never in much of a relationship as, well, I was clueless. Then I got packed off to US for education where I had to survive in the wild for 3.5 years before running back home. There things got even worse. I couldn’t understand why all the women were nice to me or every guy in general. Or why that pretty girl in my English class kept asking me if I wanted to have coffee after the class. Finally I told her I hated coffee. I was beginning to realize that women were a very cordial and genial race in particular. I could understand some of them being extra nice at parties after a few drinks but why they were still nice next day in the morning was beyond my comprehension. Neither could I ever understand why those naked ladies at the strip clubs showered me with compliments and wouldn’t go away till I would tuck a bill in their thong out of sheer embarrassment. Or why at bars women would insist on trying to talk to me till I bought them a drink and told them to go away. Now before you people start raising questions about my sexuality let me move on to relationships. With women of course.

Over the years I managed to have a few relationships, both long and short. Ok mainly short ones and a rare long one. But it was the same story every time. Frankly if the girls hadn’t literally come and hit me on the head with a club that said “Dude I like you”, I would have never been in one. But this language barrier continued to create problem. One day I would be told I was not giving them their personal space and the next day I would be accused of being very cold and distant. I didn’t know what to do and let things take their own course which inadvertently led to dead ends.

Then I had to leave college and all this fiasco and rush back to India four years back. I moved to Mumbai and picked up a job to sustain myself and have been officially single since then. No, it’s not that there are no interesting or attractive women in Mumbai; it’s just that they don’t carry the clubs that say “Dude I like you” around with them. And that makes it even harder for me to comprehend what they want from me. I admit I have really liked a girl or two here and I have taken them out for dinners and movies and so on but nothing more than that as I could never understand whether they felt the same way. It’s not easy understanding non-verbal gestures and the study re-affirms that.

Why can’t women understand that your gestures don’t speak our language! Twirl your curls with a finger all you want but that really doesn’t translate in to “I like you” for us. For all I know you might have finally succeeded in finding that long lost knot in your hair you had been searching for since last week. And smiling doesn’t help. When will you realize that when you smile at me it turns my brain in to a highly intoxicating liquid, which in turn pastes that silly grin across my face and makes my eyes glaze. So if you are smiling and speaking it’s imperative that you grab me and shake me hard enough so my brain precipitates and crystallizes back to its normal state. Trust me verbal communication goes a long way when dealing with me. I mean men. Tell us what you seek and you shall have it, be it more understanding, more respect, more personal space, better sex or that necklace you saw at the mall yesterday. If you don’t spell it out do not expect us to decipher your Davinci code and fill out this crossword puzzle you lay out for us.

Does this mean that we men are le stupid? Not really. It’s the times that make us appear so. Gone are the days when men would woo women (only), serenade under their balconies and win their hearts. In this era of female empowerment, men would rather play safe and be ignorant than misconstrue any gesture by a woman and be labeled as a pervert or worse face charges of harassment. So women we have empowered you, come get us!


22 thoughts on “Lost in Translation

  • Shiraj Kavathar

    You get brownie points for this.. I havent tried reading between the lines otherwise i would have a couple of questions for you :). Neways the revelations are more than astounding.

    Reply
  • Che

    ah my most committed fan in the world! I am sure i managed to get a book published and if even one copy sold you would be the one buying it hehe. oh really? go one read between the lines, and i already know what questions you will be asking 😛
    Lets keep the questions to the phone 🙂

    Reply
  • tj

    My honour,
    In support of the women and in case of the ignorant-lazy men I shall hereby present the following evidence that shall bring to light why women use nonverbal cues and why men wouldn’t want any of it:

    1)Psychologists have also found that nonverbal behaviours during the early phases of courtship are completely necessary as courtship requires using just the right amounts of exhibition or mystery, saying something but not saying too much, acting interested but not too eager.

    2)Evolutionary Psychology has found that women use courtship phase as a mate evaluation phase to select a mate who would be most willing to invest time, resources and energy.

    3)Serious daters have been shown to be more sensitive to and concerned about the nuances of nonverbal communication.

    I rest my case 😉
    Guys need to put in some effort!

    Reply
  • Che

    @bittersweet

    Or should i say BS 😉
    before the icecream melts may i know who my benefactor is….cuz mom said no treats from strangers!

    @tj

    I hope all women dont study psychology or men like me are doomed.

    Reply
  • satan' queen

    hmmm I for one stand by you! I guess men are just made that way! And god has given females a mouth n its time they use it ( all you perverts out there..i mean for speaking. I know this blog is called textual offender but it still doesn’t imply that you drop sexual connotations out here!).

    However, by my personal experience even saying out things aloud doesn’t get men ‘s attention!
    Instance no.1 bf no. 1- I like flowers. Get me a bunch of orchids ..even roses would do. But surprise me with me.( That’s as subtle as i can get! i do make d life of a guy easy!).
    Result- I get the flowers i asked for…after 2 years!

    Instance no.2 bf no. 2- You don’t respect my feelings are too insensitive towards it. When you have work to do and have to keep the phone down…just say so…but add mushy mushy thingy in between so that I don’t feel ignored.
    Result- We broke off on account of him still keeping up with this behaviour.

    Important Note- Both were in “love” with me!

    What are tomboys supposed to do?!( i don’t like being addressed as a girl…so…maybe i haven’t learned the trick to be subtle. Direct is what I am but it still doesn’t help much!

    Conclusion- Men are born lazy and hence any amount of effort expected out of them is sheer waste of time…and a sign of insanity!

    but dude..one helluva post!
    (p.s. – ban me from posting comments. Coz in all likelihood they would be lengthier than your post!)

    Reply
  • Che

    @ satan’ queen:

    That comments deserves a post of its own!

    But thanks for the detailed insight. Its nice to know how the enemy err i mean women think.

    BF1, BF2 got buried but hows BF3 doing or am i too slow in counting 😉

    Luckily for you all men are not alike.

    Due to a rare genetic mutation a handful of us are a totally different sub-species.

    We actually *do* listen.

    Counter Note : The day men learn to demarcate between love, attraction and lust things will be too boring.

    Reply
  • satan' queen

    heheh u r too slow in counting! 😉

    hmmm i guess i believe when you say that men do listen..aftr all bf no.1 did well otherwise…my abuses didn’t go unheard! holy cow! that suddenly gave me the idea for my next post! thanks!!!!!

    psttt…keep scribbling…its absolute fun to read your posts! i even bullied my manager into reading it! so im nw officially allowed to read your blog!

    Reply
  • Che

    @Satan’ Queen:

    Hmm too slow in counting, I guess in this age of supercomputer I am still counting on my fingers.

    Well I am glad you got the idea for your next blog but i am left wondering when and if i will get a chance to read it!

    @mohdbrzn:

    Brother it wouldnt be so hard if only the other way was a straight road from a to b instead of being a labyrinth!

    Reply
  • satan' queen

    computerz make me clumpsy! fingers are better…counting i hate…too many things to think about and Im getting way too random on this comment! yikesssss!

    The post occured that day…and then i got too lazy to scribble it and happily ate some candies…then some more…danced…ate some more candies…and then went off to sleep after staring at the wall for ages! so ….answer to your question…post comes sooon….enuf!

    Reply
  • kurtnirvana

    well well well

    what do we have here Manik Choudhary aka che has revealed some side of him that was kept hidden for such a long time i never knew that u actually shoved a dollar bill someones thongs huh?????

    hanky panky aside kudos to you a Very well written article which left me astounded on dumbness of our other kind of Beings (read girls over here) not bad huh !!!!!!!

    though im still LOST IN TRANSLATION even after i made my girlfriends read this article twice

    and yeah im still waiting for a girl with a club in her hand 😉

    Reply
  • Ankita Wasan

    13 comments before me.
    Here I go making the post lucky again.
    So there’s this line,
    on your profile,
    that’s jutting out like a poker rod.
    🙂
    Did I mention I like your writing?

    Reply
  • Che

    @kurtnirvana:

    Well dude there is a reason why I am the man without the past right 😉
    too many skeletons and too many closets 😛

    Beware of the girl with the club i say. First read whats written on the club!

    @ Ankita:

    Grazies lucky no 14.
    Not that 13 could have brought me any more bad luck!
    In fact the way things are going I am the new 13!

    The line is jutting out to drill in the point i make before it!

    Did you say like my writing?
    I couldnt disagree I say!

    Reply
  • Quicksilver!

    Lolol!!

    What a wonderful read this was! And it had me nodding my head in agreement, when I wasn’t guffawing that is, with your thoughts at most points…ok….let me be honest…all of them.

    I came here through your post on Caferati googlegroups and am surely going to be a blog-visitor who is going to drop in frequently;)

    Suggestion Alert! This would make for a great post on Caferati.

    Reply
  • satan' queen

    when would us poor lil cute innocent sweet readers be graced by another post?!!!!

    tell the oder 2100 zombies at ur office to take care of ur work,…better still appreciate their work and den allocate them your work for the day! and then voila! you got time for another blog post! 😉

    Reply
  • Che

    @desmond:

    Hey thanks a ton for your kind words, if it wasnt for appreciation the artist within would starve to death 🙂

    @quicksilver:

    A woman who agreed with me? Now thats a new one.
    Well I am glad you liked me work and that it made you laugh, for that is the whole reason for my battle with the keyboard.

    A tarot reader aye? so what does my future hold?

    @satan’ queen:

    oh oh oh lookie who is talking!
    You owe me an article too 😛

    Its not the office work but the freelancing thing keeping me bottled up. Fancy writing some cellphone reviews so I can write funny again?

    Dont worry I put something up this weekend. if its not funny, well sue me 😛

    Reply
  • suniti

    … girls too better not rely too much on these ‘Signal’ they THINK the guy has been sending. A friend saw her guy walk away after spending a whole year reading each other’s eyes….
    So girls… speak up!
    Che, once again, loved this post. It is more than smart and funny. It hits the nail right on the head 🙂
    Add me to that list of Fans please!

    Reply

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