The Reich Camp [Part 5 of the Goa Mini Series]

After a long delay finally the penultimate episode of the The Goa Mini Series sees the light of the day. There were so many issues. The award-winning scriptwriter hit the scriptwriter’s block, the amazingly awesome leading man had to scoot home, the brilliant director was dumped with more work and the brave producer was finally hit so hard by the sub-prime crisis that his wallet is in ICU for the time being. Doctors say he needs Dua and Daru. There is plenty of latter and not much of former. But luckily all bad things come to an end. P******m came out with a few hundred dollar bail-out plan, also known as Salary and the wallet was moved out of ICU but then another bout of unpaidbillitis has put it back in ICU. But I being the philanthropist that I am, have decided to make sure that the Goa Mini Series reaches the finale it deserves.

So to cut the Goa story short I will jump straight to the most innovative way to get rid of employees. At P******m we call it The Reach Camp. The Reich Camp basically is a crueler, meaner, cheaper, nastier, nazier and ________ (insert your favorite similar adjective) version of The Amazing Race, except they conveniently left out the amazing part. Let me break it down to you in bullet points as research has proved that its easier for mor….I mean people to understand things when listed as points.

• Each time consisted of 7-8 members
• Each team received 20 rupees per head
• You couldn’t carry your mobile phone
• You couldn’t carry any money period. Neither in your wallet, nor your socks or underwear or any unmentionable body crevices (though thankfully they didn’t really search for it in such places)
• Each team received a bottle of water and a packet of doggie treats, I mean “Tiger” biscuits
• Each team was accompanied by an Extra Luggage aka Outbound Expert who would carry a mobile phone
• For any extra bottle of water or packet of biscuits or a blanket you had to pay the OE one buck from your 20 rupees
• You could not pay for your transport. You could either walk or hitch a ride.
• ALL of the team members had to travel in SAME vehicle if hitching a ride
• Each team had to cover 80 kms and back in 16 hours starting at 6 pm.

Ok I think I covered all of them, if not then I am sure the sweet-looking-boy will butt in with the rest of them. When we first learned about this evil plan some of us found their jaws resting on the floor right between their shoes., others couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry and were trying their hand at both and most of us simple chose to be in denial as we couldn’t believe that P******m, despite being all that it is, could come up with something so outrageously vile and pure unadulterated evil. I, on the other hand, went Meh instead of WTF as you would have expected.

And soon as expected the Chaos and Panic virus set in. People could be seen running around in circles, some had be restrained from going after the P******m management, few not-so-original souls were seen throwing a fit on the floor and some smart ones were caught trying to sneak back to their rooms and locking themselves in. Within half and hour, some deep gulps of air and few tranquilisers later we were all pretty much resigned to our fate. I was just plain pissed that we weren’t allowed to carry any alcohol! I mean seriously WTF! This is Goa dammit, the land where people are born with two livers!

I wont go in to the team strategy stuff as it was boring, retarded and useless as usual. At 6 pm every team found itself in a park in Panjim with water, biscuits and torches. We were told our first stop was a hospital, whose name of course I don’t remember, and without being told which general direction it lay in we were asked to go. So we ran out asking people to get some sense of direction and started walking towards it.

Few hundred meters down the road we saw a petrol pump and had the brilliant idea that we could probably ask for a ride there. Unfortunately for us, every other team had the same exact brilliant idea. Soon there were about 100 odd people standing at the petrol pump asking for rides. You guessed it, instead of getting a ride we managed to scare all vehicles away at double the speed they normally do. I bet some people even chose to skip the gas station and risk having to push their car to the next one to avoid us.

All the teams gave up and started walking towards the hospital while we stayed back thinking how stupid they were to walk that long when we could get a ride and be there in 10-15 minutes. Five minutes later when we found ourselves still standing there suddenly it was us who started looking stupid! I mean seriously WTF is with people not coming to gas station in big empty cars? Luckily we met a nice couple who were going in their Jeep towards the hospital and they agreed to give us a ride to that place. So 8 of us crammed in to the back of the Jeep and off we went. On the way we passed other teams still walking and we made sure we showed them our support by making faces and whooping noises as we passed them. Maturity was not a requirement asked by P******m during recruitment. How do you think I got hired?

As soon as we reached the Hospital, we all got off and thanked the kind couple while the OE called up the Big Boss and we were told our next destination which was a good distance away. By the time we got back on the road more teams also arrived and once again it was a big fight for ride. Out Maturity earlier came back to kick us where it hurts when we saw other teams go past us acting very maturely as usual. Luckily one team just got off a vehicle in front of us and before they could realise what was going on we had talked to the driver, confirmed he was going to the next destination and we in the Van and off. The look on that team’s faces was P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S.

Over the next 6 hours what transpired was pretty much similar to this and covering it all in detail would mean a few more pages of this which I am not in mood to get in to. So I will give you some highlights. Hitching a ride in a strange land is never easy. Specially at night. Especially when you look like me. Yea sadly there weren’t enough hot female drivers in Goa or else there wouldn’t have been any problems. So we put the 3 women in our team in front to flag vehicles down and once they stopped the 5 guys attacked the unsuspecting poor kind/lecherous/gullible souls who had stopped to help the damsels in distress and tried to corner them in to giving us a ride. It actually did work as we didn’t have to walk too much for the most part. This is where Bunny Singh’ steam had an unfair advantage. I mean seriously who wouldn’t stop his/her car to help poor Bunny Singh as she helplessly stood on the side of the road asking to be rescued from the big bad world! In all this hitching rides, getting off at strange places, walking for stretches and stuff it was impossible to keep track of how many teams were ahead of us. For all we knew we might have been the last team, still struggling to finish the race while others were happily back in hotel!

Thankfully my sheer presence kept the team motivated and they never felt down. They had full faith in me and knew that since I was with them there was no way they would finish last. Under so much pressure from the burden of their great expectations I as usual did the best I could to take control of the situation, I just sat back and let things happen. Yes sometimes its best not let the higher powers alter the course things are taking. That would be unfair advantage no? See I am wise, honest and just man.

All in all we traveled in the back of a truck carrying eggs for delivery, in the back of a dumper truck which had just delivered a load of red soil (traces of which can be still be found on the jeans I wore that day), a jeep, a Maruti van that was carrying few gas cylinders, in the drivers cabin of a huge lorry (yes all 8 of us plus driver, cleaner and a kid, I ended up being perched on the dashboard!), a mini van, a Scorpio already carrying 4 people and couple of other vehicles I cant remember. The highlight for me has to be scampering up the sides of the dumper truck to sit in its back. Here is a profound lesson I would like to share with you all. Sitting in the back of a dumper truck can be quite painful if you don’t have much of an ass. Each and every speed bump and pot hole personally tried to violate me! Other teams were even more unfortunate. Some of them had to share the back of the truck with live chicken who were probably more traumatized than them by the experience, some ended up in a milk delivery van, others found themselves sharing space with drunk drivers and some ended up sitting on coconuts!

Just before midnight we found ourselves at our final destination, a waterfall. It was too dark to see anything but we could hear water and head something fall continuously so we assumed we made it. Then we were had to make our way back and realized that at midnight we were in the middle of nowhere with nearest busy road and habitation quite far away. The euphoria of having made it evaporated. Tired, hungry and full pissed we started our dejected walk back. On our way back we were passed by some teams that were still trying to make it to the water fall which made us happy that we weren’t last at least. After half an hour walking and no vehicles in sight we realized that we were still couple of hours walk away from a remotely busy road and our chances of finding a ride till there were even worse than those of Osama being elected the President of USA.

So we plopped our asses down near the gate of a factory and hoping for a vehicle to leave the vehicle premises. 15 minutes later a vehicle did stop, but not the one we expected. Cops! Apparently people had complained about groups of strange weird people harassing them for rides at this unearthly hour and the Cops were out to hunt us down. They asked us for ids. Erm weren’t they in the wallets that the P******m made us leave behind? Brilliant! Thankfully the OE had some kind of id and he convinced the Cops that we weren’t some terrorists doing a recce and all this while I made sure I stayed out of the spotlight lest they might have been given shoot at sight orders! They took numbers of the management people and called them up and blasted them for causing inconvenience to people and leaving us out in the middle of the night vulnerable to danger and what not and then told them to send vehicles to pick us all up! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. I was tempted to put the anti-establishmentarian within me aside and hug those cops but then I thought then they would have definitely shot me.

After another 15 minutes we were all picked up from different places and delivered to the hotel at around 3 in the morning where most of us crashed and died for few hours and some of us, like me of course, spent the rest of the night sitting outside sipping on, you guessed it, alcohol. The Reich Camp involved a lot more things that I haven’t mentioned which would tarnish the image of P******m and its employees. There were a lot of questionable tactics, unethical tricks and loads of controversies. But then that was bound to happen. After all the mud-slinging and finger pointing and stuff there was a result to be declared. The management used some kind of illogical logic and declared winner on the basis of team positions at a certain point in the race, which is strange since after that point everything went haywire. Any way in the end the CD’s team was first, mine was second and the team Jhayu was in was third or something like that. Who cares? I don’t. You do? FIIC.


129 thoughts on “The Reich Camp [Part 5 of the Goa Mini Series]

  • Over Rated

    I have stopped myself from saying this, but really, what kind of fucked up company are you working for?

    Your company’s management makes the people at my company look like angels. I mean the only thing we ever did at our company trips was get drunk and pass out in our rooms. And then when we got home, we got drunk and passed out again.

    So, my question is, if we source a couple of livers from the same vendor, do we get group discount?

    Reply
  • Preeti

    sheesh…they did give you very less supplies ha…!!! Tiger Biscuits…tch tch tch…when did you guys manage a proper meal? and 20 rupees…thats it…money charged for water…? who on earth does that…?

    you know … im sure your management has plotted this entire fiasco in a secret room somewhere in your office…just to get back at you guys. they might have retreated back in there to laugh their guts out at succeeding…

    and you, che…sitting back doing nothing…shame on you!!!

    and how come this CD and his team always wins…? doesnt he win even in the crucible…?

    arrey coming in second after that tumultous escapade, travelling in all those contraptions with excellent company, gross violation of human rights and human parts…is reaaaally commendable…

    you’ve made me feel so so proud of you…despite your laziness and unwillingness to be of even a miniscule bit of help to your team…

    Reply
  • tj

    Hmnnn…No food or money, hitching rides from strangers, possible arrests! Man you had a glimpses of future darkened with credit crunch 😉
    Well anyways…I think it sounded fun…I would have totally enjoyed it.

    Reply
  • Bubbly Vodka

    What did you do with the Rs. 20 anyway? It sounded like fun. Although 16 hours was too much. I think the optimum level of fun would have been in the game lasting, say 6 hours?

    What’s FIIC?

    Reply
  • Still thinking

    ‘Disgusting’… fill that blank w/ it 🙂

    lol! Amazing Race indeed! Now, come on, I’m sure you’ll still remember the fun part and hey, it was Goa, it can’t be that bad now, can it? (ppl don’t hate me, please!)

    Did you take a pic of those ‘priceless’ expressions?
    Thank you for listening dear and no, I won’t repeat the next line you already know what it.

    No, I’m not freaked, not that you’d have cared anyway 🙂

    Reply
  • Anonymous

    Ghosh… everytime I try to finish reading something comes up….I will be back soon…

    good you finally updated. It was about time you chanelized your antenna and recieved my cosmic reminder…

    bbs (be back soon)

    -neeku

    Reply
  • Che

    @over rated:

    the kind of fucked up company that would agree to hire me in the first place 😉
    What your company did is what a company trip is supposed to be like but at P******m we dont have trips we have traps.
    I didnt inquire about the rates but I am sure we could get them drunk and steal some from them. Of course we cant be drinking with them to pull this off.

    @preeti:

    I conveniently managed to forget that they did give us 2 slices on bread sprinkle with 2 dashes of mayonnaise powder and one dash of chicken powder and one apple for dinner midway through the race.

    The CD wins because he is good. Besides he had the Bunny Singh advantage!

    shame on me? if you ask the people who work with me they will tell you that I was most helpful by not helping at all.

    Yes yes all those violations and all were there but in the end there was a sense of achievement which was great.

    @tj:

    That future is always there ;). I just keep delaying it by you-know-how. If they investigated the sub-prime crisis properly I would be blamed for part of it.

    It was fun indeed, despite all my rants, and yes you would have loved it 🙂

    Reply
  • Che

    @bubbly:

    We didnt do anything. There were points for saving most money too! So it was like the most useless 20 bucks I have ever received.
    6 hours for 160 kms when hitchiking! that would have been hard to pull off.

    FIIC means Fuck If I Care 😉

    @still:

    ha! disgusting indeed. atleast my clothes were after the race.

    Nah my only camera is my phone and it was confiscated remember 🙁
    someday Ill be able to afford a camera for such moments.
    😀

    @not-so-anonymous Neeku:

    Ah its not gonna disappear so dont worry. or print it out 😉
    from cosmic jhapads to cosmic reminders. there is some improvement!
    ok dbbs.

    Reply
  • Che

    @QI:

    Unfortunately there isnt exactly line a firms outside my home to sign up the great me. Probably because they think they cant afford me even though I dont ask for that much money. Just a decent package and Old Monks as incentives would get me onboard.

    @copyrioter:

    talent for torment. well they do have me in their ranks!
    despite all the pins its still a punderful place to work in (as long as you dont want to get rich)

    Reply
  • chrisann

    “Thankfully my sheer presence kept the team motivated and they never felt down. ……. See I am wise, honest and just man”

    So Modest!

    Reply
  • chrisann

    I like your company, but I must question their rationale
    what are they testing?
    endurance? survival tactics?
    16hrs bit much

    Reply
  • Che

    @keshi:

    really? aww i thought any woman would love work any where around me 🙁

    @chrisann:

    Modesty is my middle name though some people argue that it is Conceit.
    I think they were trying to test loyalty. If you showed up to work even after being put through this then you arent going anywhere anytime soon for sure.

    @Preeti:

    Oh yea. But soon no one is gonna have it :(.

    Reply
  • Che

    @Bunny Singh err Natasha:

    I admit she wasnt very midistely dressed but it wasnt really helping as we mainly had bunnies hopping around her if you get what I mean.

    Reply
  • rabbit

    “bout of unpaidbillitis” never want to have this bout ever.
    //people are born with two livers in Goa// nice one 😀

    //sometimes its best not let the higher powers alter the course things are taking.//…You are one superconfident guy.. i am jealous of the confidence u have..i was the same way two years ago.Will reclaim myself soon though.

    it was so smart of you to stay out of sight else this post wouldn’t exist.

    as you said FIIC

    Reply
  • Tazeen

    These management trainings are reason I am not part of the corporate world (At least that’s what I like to think), if i had been part of them, i would have committed multiple homicide long time back.

    Reply
  • Che

    @V:

    I am not superconfident. I am just a realist 🙂

    @tazeen:

    Well these things are forcing me to think along those lines too! Too bad I cant afford a gun right now.

    @preeti:

    I hope so! Bunny Singh will be missed.

    Reply
  • Quicksilver!

    Working at P******m really does seem to be as exciting, and painfully excruciating, as participating in The Amazing Race, except for the fact that there is prize money to be won at the end of The Amazing Race!;))
    Since I can’t supply Daru, sending lots of Dua your way:)

    P:S:I miss reading Jhayu’s comments in your comments section. Where is he? Have you threatened him/caused him bodily harm?;)

    Reply
  • Che

    @Bunny Singh urf Natasha:

    You are a star on the blog. You will keep making cameos.

    @Quicksilver:

    He is still alive, his computer wasnt but its been resurrected. So I am sure he will back on this to amuse me. He is one of my favorite people to pick on!

    Reply
  • Sree

    Tiger biscuits arent that bad u know.Only thing is its available cheap.Since the amazine or not race is over,should demand for a pizza treat or something.
    First time reading something like this.hmm.

    Reply
  • Preeti

    hmmnnn…!!! im sure she feels the same…
    but like she says…there’s the blog…
    and unstoppable person will keep writing and bunny singh will keep doing her cameos and everyone will live happily ever after!!!

    🙂

    Reply
  • Che

    @Sree:

    Ha. Only thing I have been getting at P******m since then is more work!
    First time? did you enjoy it?

    @preeti:

    happily ever after indeed. after all i am involved.

    Reply
  • Che

    @Still:

    Well part 4 was supposed to be the post on Team Entertainment Night which isnt happening now as people want me to wrap up the mini-series. I will have one last chapter for it.

    @keshi:

    Hmm I knew you were a normal sensible woman!

    Reply
  • Che

    @Still:

    Well what to do dear. its going on for ages 🙁 maybe i will write it later 🙂 It was not fun fr me but would have been fun for you all.

    @mystique dew:

    elo! i said “tried” to violate me 😛
    Violation minded woman!

    FIIC nahin jante? Fuck If I Care 😉

    Reply
  • Neeku

    okay so finally finished it… and just can’t stop giggling… (yeah… i am the type who starts with a giggle)… its hilarious… Ghosh someone should sue your company…wth and wtf… what about injury at work violation thingy… they can’t do that … thats crazy…

    but it was certainly fun to read =D

    Reply
  • Che

    @neeku:

    😀 i love giggles 😛
    If P******m stopped being so whacky then so will be my posts no?
    Let them continue 🙂

    @pretti:

    right.

    @keshi:

    Err normal means women who love amazing, witty, charming and awesome guys like me. ok just me. there is no other guy like that.

    Reply
  • Jhayu

    @ Che.
    All this humour to hide the fact that you’re miserable that my team destroyed you in the end. Tsk tsk.

    @ Quicksilver.
    You’ve just made my day. Heck, you’ve made my week. Possibly a month.

    Reply
  • Cess

    damn it I always arrive at Part 3 or 5, always missing the part 1 🙁
    Are u gonna start a new series with part 1 please keep me posted, i don t wanna miss it this time 🙂
    C.

    Reply
  • Che

    @preeti:

    you cant say FIIC.

    @jhayu:

    umm didnt you guys come third and my team second. hmm last time i checked 2nd was better than 3rd. hmm.

    @Cess:

    Oh dear its the same series. Just scroll and start from 1, its worth it 😉

    Reply
  • vidya

    What company do you work for?!
    Getting caught by the police, having 20 bucks to spend on the whole.. whoa! Some weirdass happenings all in all..

    Reply
  • Che

    @neeku:

    Oh well I think my life would interesting nevertheless. its *MY* life after all 😉

    What happened to that bhartiya nari fotu????

    Reply
  • Neeku

    =) my cousin played with colors on me… so took this picture… I hate paint on my face… so thought let me take a snap before I wash it off…

    I hope I am not looking plastic…if yes… then I will put back the bharitya nari fotu

    Reply
  • Che

    really? you look all dolled up with makeup. Sort of reminds me of Clementine from Eternal Sunshine 😉

    Me likey!

    PS: You have a wonderful smile. shouldnt hide it in photos 😛

    Reply
  • Che

    @Quicksilver:

    Tsk tsk. you are forgetting the golden rule about my blog. Only my existence has to be acknowledged here 😛

    PS: You didnt tell me you had put up a poem on caferati!

    Reply
  • Che

    @cess:

    Ah well part 4 was supposed to cover Team Entertainment part which I am skipping for now but might get back to later 😉

    @Keshi:

    Depends on the *kind* of laffing, and sometimes winking is a good thing!

    Reply
  • fishbowl

    this was really funny! 🙂 I want to laugh at your flight, but I feel a little sorry too! But,t hink of it…few other things would’ve had you with such an experience!

    Reply
  • Che

    @fishbowl:

    go ahead. I am used to people laughing at me 🙁
    Actually it was an interesting experience but I can think of a lot of thing which would have been equally interesting yet not so painful. Besides I love to rant 😉

    PS : Long time no blog?

    Reply
  • Neeku

    did you just infer that I resemble clementine… how uncanny so did Zubin…. its funny… coz me totally don’t look like one… but it sort of made my day… =) she is gorgeous indeed…

    i think in this picture if I have a Red nose I would certainly pass for Rudolf Reindeer… 😉

    And I am very much here … just busy with lots of things that I am I just don’t what to do… its shutting me down… but somehow i have survive… lets see… hope to be back soon =)

    Thanks for checking up on me 🙂

    Reply
  • Che

    @preeti:

    as if you mind 😛

    @neeku:

    yay! you are fine!

    Yes yes i didnt just infer I said that in the pic you look like clementine 🙂

    Haha reindeer arent supposed to be pretty 😛

    A busy phase eh? This too shall pass.

    Of course I had to check on you, I dont like losing my loyal fans 😉

    Reply
  • Che

    @quicksilver:

    Hmm yea comments are getting longer than the post itself! I realised that later on.

    @sree:

    I am extremely le honored! 😛

    Reply
  • Shiraj Kavathar

    Good to see you do some out door activity Che .. Always seen you in your apartment either glued to ur Desktop screen or clinging on to a bottle of Spirit. :).. Seems you had a lot of fun ..By the way whats FIICI.

    Reply
  • Che

    @Shiraj:

    Really?
    I thought you saw me more in mall, coffee shop and movie theater :P.

    FIIC nahin jaante? Hey Bhagwan;)

    Fuck If I Care 😛

    Reply
  • Che

    @trinaa:

    Yea people cant digest the fact ki itna amazing, achcha aadmi bhi is duniya mein koi hai.

    PS: In hte pic on your blog i had hard time figuring out who was the kid and who was you!

    Reply
  • Trinaa

    //PS: In the pic on your blog i had hard time figuring out who was the kid and who was you!

    …I WILL HUNT U DOWN N KILL YOU! huuuuuuuuuuuumph..

    @preeti..help me..will ya!

    Reply
  • Preeti

    bachche…

    of course i’ll help you…

    par yaar, che jaise logon se panga lena matlab…hmmnnnn

    its a slightly dicey situation, ha…? thought i’ll warn you…

    Reply
  • Che

    @trinaaaaaa:

    welcome to the group. it has many members though founder is preeti.

    @preeti:

    “che jaise logon se panga lena matlab…hmmnnnn”

    if this how i am over networks imagine how i would be in real life. beware indeed.

    Reply
  • Che

    @pseudo:

    yes yes how cruel of them.
    Due dont seem to be working. Looks like Daru is the only real hope left.
    Well I work for P******m and thats all I can divulge lest I scare away future P******mers.

    Oh yes go ahead blogroll me. If you like it why not?

    Reply
  • Trinaa

    naaah..m sure i’ll find a better plc :PPPPPPPPPPP

    n triyessssssss??! siiigh..y did i open my mouth…plz go bck to d unending ‘a’ version..plzzzz!!

    Reply
  • Preeti

    founder of which group-

    I want to kill Che or
    I love Che

    😛

    beware indeed…?

    arrey i’ve always taken panga with you Che…so you seriously think your warning is going to make a difference…?

    Reply
  • Che

    @pseudo:

    Is that an insult to my oh-so-awesome post? 😛

    @preeti:

    I love Che group has been around for centuries and has a few billion members from thousands of different planets. So go figure 😛

    @Neeku:

    Arre how could you doubt that? After all I am Omnipresent 😉

    Reply
  • Preeti

    other than earth im sure…i always knew you were spaced out

    then it has to be the first one…

    and what makes you think i’ve not been around for centuries…ha?

    Reply
  • Preeti

    rahahahaiiiiight…

    and the Universal Appeal reads…

    “oh god not him…not again
    bachaaaaaaaaooooo
    heeeeeeeellllpppp”

    hmph….!!! you….you….person…!!!!

    Reply
  • Che

    @preeti:

    what what what?

    @still:

    I am not doing 🙁
    Bilkul ho jaaye.

    @trinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa:

    The updates are ready to be installed on your computer!

    Reply
  • Che

    @still:

    arrey dont think so much.
    Justh aving a rough month. work, finances and stuff.
    Also need to move out and find a new apartment.
    Gah!

    Reply
  • Deepali

    Haven’t read this one yet. I am suppose to write one on the reach camp myself – for asfaq to put on the PS blog…promised him long ago hehe. Will most probably come back to this and Jayants post to try and remember what actually happened lol – I suffer from short term memory loss…a lot.

    Reply
  • Che

    @still:

    Oh dont worry about it. Its all taken care of 🙂

    @deepali:

    Ah asfaq tried to trick me in to it too. I just didnt respond 😉

    Well I have missed out on a lot too but yea you can probably scrape enough tidbits from both our blogs.

    Reply

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